You know that feeling that you just have to do it, right. But, to be honest, you’re not sure why. It all is unexplainable for some reason, and on the other hand it just feels completely the right thing to do. Lately, that has been the exact thing what I have been doing. I have been a good girl for a long time. Always listening what I was told to do or asking others for advice and nicely following the advice given to me. Sometimes it was very complicated as the opinions were very different and not always was I able to come to one right thing. Adding all this up meant for me, of course, that I had to disappoint some people in the process. Not what I had in the mind while trying to do the right thing and let’s not forget to be a very likeable person. Over the years, it just got so complicated that I completely lost track of what was the right thing to do. So I started to do my own thing, well that is what I thought I was doing. To be honest, I was still doing what everyone was expected me to do. Go out and get a paying job, ultimately fall in love with this job, and be very successful. I will make a long story short, in the whole process I completely lost myself. Trying to be all these personalities with different hats on and entirely different personalities as well. It felt to me that being a mum I needed to be different, as the expat, or as the working girl. All in all, as you can imagine, I just lost completely who the person was I was supposed to be.
So I started to clean up, it is an interesting thing how that just clears up you mind. Gave up the job that I have worked on very hard for the last five years, and stopped doing anything I didn’t like doing. That is of course confusing to some people around me because I was always so enthusiastic during lunch, bookclub, etc. The reason was simple, the activities I stopped were the ones that were draining me. It didn’t mean that I stopped them because they were the obvious ones. I kept my horse riding, for example, which I found very scary in the beginning. A big horse and he tried many times to get me off his back. The activities that were giving me energy afterwards were the ones I for some reason or another needed. It was that gut feeling that was guiding me thru the question what do I want, so I can be who I am.
The horse riding was the one that gave me every time a great feeling because I had to get out of my comfort zone. My silly horse was teaching me that I needed to be clear on what I wanted because if I didn’t how did he know what to do. The other thing what came to me, when my schedule gave me the opportunity to stay a bit longer after the horse riding class, that I love working with these animals. They are so honest with their feedback. Being a massage therapist for human beings is something I truly love doing. It is very personally, and clients are opening up to me without having to tell me the whole story this is what the body will tell me. It is a very honest conversation. It made me think, and one thing became very clear to me. My core word or desire to have in my life is honesty. It is paramount for me to surround myself with honesty, people/animals that will tell me the truth. To create that space where people in my life can be who they are and at the same time give me the opportunity to do exactly the same.
All that by cleaning up and creating space for something new to come in. To follow my gut feel truly directed me straight to that AHA moment!
What would happen do you think for you, are you ready to start creating space/time for something different?