Personal development

You can’t beat the correct No at the right time.

Looking at a way to be able and truthfully figuring out who you are, this came to my attention. We need to understand why in the first place we have decided to step away from our authentic self.  There must have been a reason why we consciously or unconsciously made the decision to value that something else or someone else’s opinion, behavior, dress code is more important that our own.

Group dynamics can be harsh, scary and give us a feeling of being very unsafe.  This will bring us in a mode of fight or flight, as if we were in great danger.  We get this feeling that we have to be quick, fast, because otherwise more danger is coming our way.  We step away completely from our own foundation and roots.  There is this part within us that strongly believes that what we have to offer to the friendship or situation is not the best and we validate someone else’s opinions or believes as true fuller and more powerful.  We think that we will be the one that stays behind if we are not integrating in this new group or situation.  To stay behind with no protection feels of course as very dangerous.


In this search for my authentic self, I can vividly remember arriving in a new country and hearing these ladies talk about these wonderful trips they were taking together.  They were all coming back laughing and chatting about the day.  Their kids were happy and having lots of play dates with one another.  Of course these kids were doing amazingly well in school.  This just made me very insecure about this environment were I was in. It felt there was a great need for protecting my kids and myself as well.  For me this did set of this movie in my head that I needed to fit in.  To make sure I was invited the next time they would go on these trips.  Absolutely make sure that my kids were being invited for these play dates.  Thought of being the one that stayed behind just freaked me out and totally got me of guard.  So much energy would go into this, these activities that totally didn’t interest me.  These people were really kind and were very open to invite me, but there wasn’t a strong foundation to build on.  This wasn’t fair for any one involved in this situation.  After a year we would get to shaky grounds, because there was no real connection.  The simple reason being at that time, because I didn’t show up as me.

To start a new relationship, this can be a friendship or a working relationship we need to start with strong foundations.  We need to show up as the best person we can be.  Starting anything new out of fear, with this fight or flight attitude will not set us up for the best outcome we are hoping for.

Having the feeling that the way you have haven’t shown up as the true version of you happens to the most of us.  That doesn’t mean we can’t do it over again. We can push the virtual reset bottom at any time.  That is that very scary no and not every one will be happy with your decision that your want to start over, but be convinced about it that they will be in the long run.  Just for the exact reason that you will be very happy that you decided to reset it all.  This decision makes us to be true. We are commitment to show up as the best person we can be. This time around we introduce ourselves with our own values and believes.  This time we will create a calm and healthy environment, instead of a stressful and fearful environment.  No one will be left behind.  People who are involved in our lives are there out of a mutual invitation.  It is back to basics for every one involved.  Together with an open dialogue of what we would like to add to the relationship or situation.

Let’s get back to the drawing board.


  • Gayvenda Kessler

    I have learned the hard way that I must be true to myself. A very long time ago I married the man of my dreams. He turned out to be a rage-aholic. I was naive and thought that if I pleased him and wore the clothes he wanted, had my hair cut the way he wanted it, etc. I continued to please him out of fear of his rages, but they didn’t stop no matter how much I pleased him. At the end of 8 years, I had a suicide attempt an d he divorced me. I was broken hearted and also I had given away so many pieces of me that I had lost my identity. It took a State Hospital for 7 years and then 10 years of being completely sedated, to realize I had ot find myself again.

    I went through major withdrawal for 9 months, after checking myself into a 12 step program. I don’t know exactly how I came under God’s grace and healing, but at the end of 2 years, I have my own oil painting business doing what I love and that is painting portraits of animals or pets, landscapes, still lifes and nudes It has been a struggle, but it is worth everything to me to be independent, working with women to help them regain their worth, have developed a host of women friends who are delightful and fun to be with. I have found a universal God who knows nothing but love. A deep sense of joy equivalent to the depth of the pain I had experienced has come into my heart. I’m meditating once a day and my entire life has spiritual balance. I also forgave the ex husband because I found he was very spiritually sick to have behaved in such a way. I write a gratitude list each morning which is a great way to start the day! And I have so many blessings… I do not regret the past or wish to shut a door on it. I have freedom to be me today!

  • Corry

    Thanks for this gift! Such perfect timing (of course, that is how the universe operates) as I am needing to say a clear “no” today to a person I have not yet done that with and I know the higher choice. It is right there for me. So your message was that extra gift to confirm what the angels already have told me! Thanks for all your posts, they always speak to me.
    Sending much love and care from Bangkok to you!

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