Life choices

The way we say no.

“It comes from saying no to 1,000 things to make sure we don’t get on the wrong track or try to do too much.”  Steve Job

As a child is born it has a long road of learning in front of her.  The interesting thing is, that a baby trusts her intuition.  This bundle of joy goes with the flow.  One of the things she learns in early stages is to shake her head during feeding.  That means no, that it is enough for her or that she is not hungry.

To say no does not start out as a challenge in our lives.  In the beginning we are very good at it.  We tell everyone who is listening to us, even better, we yell it if there is any doubt that the message did not come through.  Somehow over the years we are taught something completely different.  Maybe it is that we are expected to say ‘yes’, even if we mean ‘no’.  In many cultures it is customary to always be ready to help, listen, cook and take care of family and friends.  Still, there comes a time when you have had enough and you need to regain your energy.  This is not always received very well in the social world we live in.  There are many unwritten rules and ways to behave.

Even while writing this blog, I can feel the restrictions on me.  Of course there is a lot to say in it, but how to write this down without becoming sarcastic or perhaps nasty.  I always wait to use the word ‘no’,  to tell some one that they are crossing my boundaries.  It really is not a problem to help others; it always brings joy to my day.  Listening to stories, positive and negative is also something I enjoy doing.  It is more the borderline, when people start pushing you.  The feeling that someone is taking advantage of you and you keep going along with helping and listening.  Sometimes for the simple reason, that you don’t want to be rude or you know that this person is already feeling very down.  Still, it would be better to refuse early on.

How can you make sure that your relationship is a healthy one, so that saying no is not a problem at all?  Personally, I think that you need to trust your friends.  Your trust in them and in yourself, the knowledge that both of you have the best interest at heart for each other gives the space to be able to be who you are.  This way, you know it is safe to say no and that it is okay.  You both know that there will be other times when you will join in or help.  You can look at it as a dance, together with the people around you.  If you are not able to step in, someone else will.  This way we can all keep the dance going in the right rhythm for longer.  We all have so much more to share, that the flow of taking care of each other will not be broken.

It is up to me now to begin, by trusting my friends, setting out my boundaries and finding the right voice to express them.


  • Anastasia Lappo

    Firstly, I would like to say that saying NO is a very healthy and natural thing to do. Secondly, we all say NO for different reasons. You need to set some time aside and go within yourself asking why you don’t feel comfortable saying no. It might be that you hold on to fear of not being worthy of love… This is very common amongs women, that’s the main reason so many females end up in wrong relationships. That was the reason I found myself in the most abusive relationship a few years ago… 🙁 Now, when I’ve done self work I can see why I went for that person at the time – I wasn’t attracted to them physically, but have found myself in that relationship and even had a child… All of the issues obviously come from conditioning, our background, family etc. Relationship with parents is very important and you have downloaded all their habits and traits. Not sure how much you know about Chakras, but 90% of our issues are carried in base and abdominal chakra. Have fun exploring! And thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings!

    Love and peace,

    Anastasia x

  • Grant A. Watson

    It is as you say,”Difficult for some…It was this way for me too. Then I leared two things,
    Firstly: It is impossible to purchase a totally white yin/yang simple, its seems, they are all half black and half white and they share their differences.
    Secondly: As a channel and a spiritual helper of my fellows in their journey, I became a little flat and had run out I energy one day while working with a fellow. I ask him to give me a few quiet moments, while I desperately asked for more energies from my higherself, the answer was a flat know…I ask why and in a stern exchange I eventually was asked by my higher aspect, How did this fellow arrive here for your help? I said with the support of his team! Spirit then said, Fine then you have done enought and he will arrive at next by the same means as he arrived here, the rest is ego on you part. I relised immedeately exactly what Spirit had offered and told this fellow that I had done all I could do. Spirit also though in a tip about a thing called Spiritual selfishness, which basically translated to saying no in order to be at full tilt for those that real are yours to work with and not some desperate effort to appear Spiritually all doing and all suffering, even or just plain fluffy.

  • Udo Stadtsbuchler

    We all are responsible for our actions and reactions, for our feelings and emotions, for our failures and successes; in short, we are responsible for almost everything that happens to us. Being aware of this means that we can – to a very large degree – determine the course our life takes. In order to make our life a success – whatever success means to us – the word NO is essential. It prevents us from needlessly getting our energy drained by others; it prevents us from getting side tracked and helps us to stay ‘on course’. NO is empowering and gives us strength; it gives us self-confidence and self-esteem.
    This is not to say that we should always say NO, rather than YES. It is up to the individual to determine when YES defeats the individuals’ own objective,or is in contradiction to their own conviction.

  • Cynthia Ann Tanner

    Thank you Renee for your post. I am working on learning this. Seems at 51 years old I still have so much to learn. I have always been a yes person & found myself in a very depressed state finally as I got older because I just seemed to not be able to keep up. I have made a lot of changes in my life & have many changes to still tackle. Learning that I even have to say no to myself some times. Love & Hugs

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